I can text with my tongue
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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