There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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