My first STD was from a foam party
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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