Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
