I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she told me i tasted like america
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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