your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My balls are so social today.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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