Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
