how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
never play flip cup with pint glasses
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
