as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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