I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i now understand why vodka
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
