Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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