so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
