I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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