that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Pants are for mortals
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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