It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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