I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
