She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
