I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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