I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
