I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
