Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
