What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
