So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
