I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
