I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
