dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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