Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
