You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
