I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
