he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
