I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Bring me that man meat
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
