Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
from now on my penis is your penis
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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