Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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