At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
