I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
