now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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