I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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