I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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