It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
