I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Did I show you my penis last night?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm really busy with my period
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