My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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