she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
