you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
