You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
