We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
