im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When did angry sex become our thing?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
