so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
