Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have aggressive nipples.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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