How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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