I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My boob is missing a layer of skin
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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