The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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