Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
