we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
