Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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