You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
