I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I understand Curling. That high.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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