Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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