We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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