When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
