Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
