dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
