If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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