If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
