Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My penis needs a shock collar
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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